As Long as I'm Breathing
by elisclare
Summary: A summer romance grows cold as the fall months progress, leaving college freshman Eli and high school senior Clare unsure of whether love is enough to keep them together as the distance tears them apart. /AU fic/rated M for later chapters./ ON HIATUS.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Degrassi (if I did...oh, who am I kidding? I'd still be writing fanfiction.)

**A/N: **Hello there! Welcome to As Long as I'm Breathing. This story is **AU**, and will grow into it's rating in later chapters. Here we find Clare and Eli only a year apart, Eli getting ready for college and Clare for senior year. This story spans the summer and the year after that, as they go from being inseperable to a long distance relationship, testing the true boundaries of a fastly-found love. I hope you'll enjoy it; I have great things planned for this story and your support means the world :) If you have any questions, feel free to leave one.

**Note: **I originally had this fic posted on a seperate account, so if you've seen it before, know that it is indeed MY fanfic.

_**As Long as I'm Breathing**_

**-Prologue-**

It was just the very beggining of June when I first saw him - Elijah Goldsworthy, to be exact. I remembered clearly that it was the very day Degrassi let out for the summer when my eyes spotted his unusual attire clear across the room. In those very first few moments, he was nothing more to me then a seemingly lonesome stranger, sitting at a deserted table in the farthest corner of The Dot. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that his gaze met mine seconds after looking at him, my eyes would have scanned over him and moved back to my coffee that had long grown cold. If his own hadn't been such a vivid, beautiful mix of hazel and green, I might have been able to look away, and continued about my business. I would have soon walked out of The Dot, and spent my summer before senior year peacefully and uneventfully.

I may not have known his name then, but those first few moments changed my life forever. Because I was not able to tear my gaze from his, not even as my face heated up and his lips tilted in a crooked smirk that would forever be etched in my memory. Those few intense seconds were the beggining of everything, everything I had ever dreamed about or imagined. They were the beggining of the best summer of my life - and a love so fast-paced and intense that sometimes I wondered how one person could feel so much.

Those first few moments turned my world upside-down, and though sometimes I wanted to despise them, I knew I owed them everything.

We experienced a lot together in those three months, before he left for college. A lot of firsts, a lot of feelings that we had never been able to feel before. I had never believed in the fairy-tale type of love, not at all, but somehow I got to live it. For a while, anyway.

The summer wasted away, and we wasted away with it. Our days blurred together, as we spent time wrapped up in each other. I fell so hard, so fast, that it was disorienting at times. Because Eli Goldsworthy was beautiful, and passionate, and loving, and everything else that I had ever wanted. I knew I was in love that day we had out first fight - I had never been so angry at someone in my life, and yet, somehow, when he kissed me, the anger dissapated and I was left nothing short of breathless. Something inside of my head turned, and it suddenly became clear to me just how hard I had fallen in such a short amount of time. It was wonderful and scary and amazing and infuriating, even, all at the same time. It wasn't perfect, nothing is. It came close, though, and I wanted it to last forever.

But nothing lasts forever, I'm convinced. Things change, sometimes in the blink of an eye and sometimes so slowly that you don't even notice until it's pointed out to you. And people change, too. People change and feelings change, and there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to hope that one day you'll be able to accept it and be happy again.

That's what my grandma always told me, and that one day, it wouldn't hurt so much that I lost the love of my life. But sometimes, when you feel that much for a person, it won't ever go away. Even after years and years, and years, even if you're happily married with a beautiful family - you know deep down inside that you'll never love anyone as much as you loved him. You will never feel as raw and passionate as you did with him, will never be able to feel the very same. And that small part of your heart that they claimed long ago will still ache dimly, every time they cross your mind.

Sometimes, it's impossible to let go of someone, even if they're not yours to keep.


	2. And This is Why I've Never Liked Coffee

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Degrassi.

**A/N**: Hey! Well, here's chapter one. I hope you enjoy; I had fun writing it. You may notice things get going a little fast-paced: well, that's sort of the point. Just bear wth me while I get this going, and you shall have explanation later. Again, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Reviews mean the world to me, so thank you for those, as well as the favorites and alerts :) So without any further ado...

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><p>It was quite embarrassing how I actually <em>met <em>Eli Goldsworthy, now that I think about it. Sure it was cute and cliché and all, but...embarrassing. For starters, I'm not sure why I ordered a latte that day at The Dot, anyway. It was a waste of money because I didn't even like coffee. I guess it just kind of happened as I went up to the counter, looking for something that sounded good. A few fumbled words and one eager new employee later, and I found myself two dollars lighter and one hot coffee heavier. Damn, that kid was good.

Once the confusion settled, I shook my head and made my way back to my table, feeling sluggish and tired. School had just let out today - after my last three finals. For a moment, I actually considered drinking the coffee to give myself a boost of energy, but decided against it as the bitter scent filled my nostrils. I wrinkled my nose and set the cup down slowly, letting my head fall into my left hand. I wasn't quite ready to make my way home yet. Perhaps it was because today was Friday, aka, the day my parents switched out (they were divorced as of last year, and switched between a condo and the house every week to spend time with me) aka, hell. One year later as divorcees and they still fought and bickered every chance they got. One of those chances was switch-out day, where one of them inevitably got to the house early, the atmosphere laced with annoyance as the other scrambled to finish packing and head out.

I didn't have the energy to deal with that today. So, The Dot it was, no matter how boring it was...or rather, how boring I _expected_ it to be. Because, as I mentioned before, that day turned out to be anything but boring.

Calling Alli to hang out wasn't an option; she had informed me a million-plus times about how her and her boyfriend Drew were going 'celebrate' freedom over at her place after-school...information I didn't necessarily want to hear about, mostly because it was gross, but also because I was the _tiniest_ bit jealous. Not of...not of what they were doing, but of the principal of having something to look forward to this summer.

Because me? I had absolutely nothing. Nothing except bitter parents and a few books to read. I looked forward to it with mild resentment, not really sure what I wanted - I wasn't asking for some amazing summer romance...not after...not after him. But I didn't want, not again, was another three months filled with the same things that I experienced daily. I wanted...excitement.

And then, just as that thought crossed mind, our eyes met.

Our eyes met, and I was doomed.

Even if I didn't know it yet.

It couldn't have been more than five seconds, I'm sure of it. It just would have been creepy if it was. But it did feel longer than that, and I felt a flush of embarrassment creep over my cheeks as a crooked, smug smirk formed on his full, perfectly shaped lips. Yes, _smug._ That was the only word for it. Before seeing him, any other person with that same amount of confidence would have annoyed the hell out of me. But as the smirk grew more pronounced, and as his eyes peirced into mine, it did nothing but make my heart speed up. He was...well, he was sort of beautiful. And not in the blonde-hair-blue-eyes-buff-bodied-Hollister-model type of way, either. For one, his hair was dark and long, bangs hooding over his eyes, contrasting against his pale skin. For two, even in those five seconds I could tell he had a fairly small build, with thinner arms and a small waist. Not scrawny, exactly, but smaller.

No. He was beautiful in a different way, in his heart-shaped face and soulful hazel-green eyes, in the confident way he was postured. He was beautiful in his plump lips and pronounced jaw, in his clasped hands and raised eyebrow as I continued to stare blatantly in my trance. Had I seen him before? No, no. I would have remembered him had I seen him. He couldn't have gone to Degrassi, though he looked to be about my age. Perhaps he went to Lakehurst? Some other high school around the area?

My natural curiosity, I then realized, was beginning to go slightly overboard, and I blinked back into reality with a brightly flushed face as I tore my eyes away, settling on my cooled coffee, butterflies dancing around my belly. Eye contact with a random stranger (a rather good-looking one at that) had just given me a reason to feel giddy for a moment, even if I had stared just a second too long. I almost let out a giggle, but settled for a grin, still staring down at my two-dollar waste of coffee.

That was it. I needed to get out of there. One more look at whoever that was, and I had myself labeled as a creeper forever. Shaking my head dissapprovingly at myself, I just decided to get up and throw away my hopeless drink, and go home. I certainly hoped my father had already left and my mother had had enough time to cool off, because I really didn't have the will to go anywhere else at this point. Maybe if I walked really slow...

And maybe I should have taken my advice right at that moment, because as these thoughts were swirling around my tired brain, I failed to pay attention to my quickly shuffling feet, failed to realize that the one broken tile in all of The Dot was right on the path to the trash can, and failed to catch myself as the toe of my shoe caught - I went flailing in a less-than graceful face-plant into the hard, sticky floor, sending my coffee flying several feet in front of me. I heard it meet the wall with a thump that came seconds after the loud slap that echoed around me as I caught myself, and then, the room was silent.

The seconds that followed were (and still are) the most embarrassing, humiliating, hide-my-face-and-cry forever of my life.

I looked up to see the population of The Dot (which looked 10x more crowded and scary now, mind you) staring straight at me, shock etched on their faces. My face burned bright as my stomach caught up with me, my ears ringing from the sharp slap of my hands on the tile. It seemed as if time had stopped, and everyone was frozen, mouths contorted into 'o's.

And then, came a snicker.

I hoped briefly that a piano would fall from the sky and smash me into the ground, or that the earth would open up and let me fall through as more muffled laughter shattered the silence, and my blurred vison focused onto scornful and mocking faces. "Oops," I mumbled, wanting to die. I glanced at the godforsaken foam cup of coffee that had exploded all over the wall, feeling extremely guilty and extremely stupid and EXTREMELY clumsy. Oh, and great, HE just saw me do that. He just saw me make a fool of myself. Now he thought I was creepy AND incapable of walking across a room. Even if I was never going to see him again, this just HAD to be the impression I left him. This was just great, you know? What an awesome way to start off the summer, by embarrassing myself in front of half of the people I went to school with and-

"You alright?" a voice asked from above me. It was gentle and kind, smooth and strong, and as the source of it bent down, I looked up to find myself face-to-face with...with...with HIM. My breath caught in my throat as I stared into his eyes, shocked and pleased at the same time.

"No," I whispered at once, my eyes wide.

He shifted so that he was on his knees like I was, ignoring the odd looks and laughter that still filled the room, and smirked. He SMIRKED. Right in the middle of my humiliation. "Why not?"

Why not? Why NOT? "Because I just face-planted and my coffee just exploded all over the wall," I whispered, unblinking. He was smiling now, teeth showing in a full-on grin, and I scowled at him, trying to shoo away the intense feeling of my stomach fluttering in response. God, he was cute. "Glad I could amuse you," I growled, and got up shakily.

"Hey, I wasn't laughing."

"Good, because it isn't funny," I replied, brushing myself off. My palms were bright red from the impact and they stung, but I clasped them together anyway as Peter came running from behind the counter, face horrified he spotted the brown liquid dripping down the wall. I looked at him, waiting for his reaction.

Peter was the assistant manager of The Dot, and also just so happened to be my older sister's ex boyfriend. That fact made the whole situation that much more uncomfortable as he looked from me, to the wall, to me, to the wall. I let my gaze fall to the floor in shame. "What the hell?" He asked, completely floored, taking in my flustered appearance.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Peter," I said, looking at him with pleading eyes. "I tripped, and then I fell, and the coffee...it just...I didn't...I am so, so sorry!" I exclaimed, face burning red as people continued to stare. I watched a series of expressions flicker over Peter's face, from annoyance to absolute amusement. He finally settled for a poorly-hidden smile, shaking his head. Waiting nervously for his response, I shifted on my feet. I didn't need to be scolded by him for this very unfortunate, humiliating accident. Hadn't I had enough for one day?

"I guess I have some cleaning to do, then," he finally replied, his lips twitching as he wheeled around and made a hasty retreat back to the kitchen. I heard him crack up just before the door shut behind him, and my face fell into my hands.

"Oh my god," I groaned.

"Look on the bright-side: at least he's not making you clean up your little spill," a voice rang, and I looked up in surprise to see the same boy standing there with his hands in his pockets, smirking wildly.

"You're not funny," I retorted, glaring at him, though my heart fluttered. He was so...ugh. Sickeningly charming. I turned for the door, to get out of there as quickly as possible.

"Don't trip." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and muttered a rather venomous "I won't" before walking hastily (but carefully) across the room, trying not to shrink away from the mocking looks some people threw my way. Once I was out the door, a sense of relief filled me, the sun warming my face. I took a deep breath, took a step, and finally prepared myself - school was over. My summer could begin.

And then, with a voice, a gentle, smooth voice, it did.

"Hey, you left your bag!"

I turned sharply to see _him_ standing there, my school bag hanging from his shoulder. Another crooked smirk wormed its way onto his face as I stared at him blankly, not quite comprehending for a moment as I took him in. He was almost fully sheathed in black; with the exception of the bright-red 'DEAD HAND' band logo across the front of his t-shirt. I let my eyes drift down, to his skinny jeans, to his shoes, and back up to his face, where his eyes shone with amusement.

"See something you like?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, holding out my bag. I took it quickly, shooting him a glare, noticing the rings that adorned his fingers.

"Yes, my bag," I replied defensively, my face heating up.

"Hey, I was joking," he said, holding up his hands in surrender. "Just breaking the ice."

I sighed, immediately feeling bad.. "Sorry, I'm sorry," I said, waving my hand. "Just a long, long day. Thank you, by the way."

He smiled. "It's fine. I'd probably be a little on edge too, if..." I cut him off with a warning look. "Anyway. I'm Eli," he offered his hand, which I took hesitantly. It was warm and firm, my clammy palm resting against his lightly. I couldn't help but smile at the sincere look on his face.

"Clare," I answered, my hand holding his just a beat too long before I pulled it away.

"Nice to meet you," he replied, sliding his hands in his pockets again.

"You too." He looked at me then, narrowing his eyes.

"So, how are you going to thank me for saving your bag? I think this deserves a reward." He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, without me, you'd have lost..."

"School papers I no longer need?" I giggled, and then realized something black in the side pocket. "And...my phone," I said, concern in my voice. "Wow." Looking back at Eli, at the smug face he was making, I knew I could have just walked. I could have just thrown back some witty comment, and walked. It was very possible, and with anyone else, probable. But him...there was something _interesting._ Here was my chance to have an adventure. To take a risk. It was now or never.

I smiled, stepping closer.

"What did you have in mind?"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"You're going on a date?"

Alli Bhandari stood in my bedroom doorway, an amused smile on her lips. "Clare Edwards, are you sure this is from you?" She held her phone up to me, walking into my bedroom as I sat at my vanity, rolling my eyes.

"Yes," I replied. "I am." It had been two hours since the most embarassing moment of my life, and I was surprised she had shown up on such short notice, considering the implications she had made earlier that day. I had texted her my news in hopes that she would see it later that night and text back. I just needed some type of support from a friend, and hadn't been expecting her arrival. I was glad, though - I really needed someone to tell everything to.

Alli sat on my bed, running a hand through her hair. "You haven't been on a date since..."

"Him, I know," I said, waving her off. "Don't start." My stomach twisted in knots at the thought of the boy I had spent a year of my life with. I had long moved on from Jake, but my memories in the particular department were not the best.

She laughed. "So, who is he? And why the sudden change in mindset?" Alli was referring to the rather pessimistic attitude I had towards boys. I had sworn up and down the past year that I was done with them until I was out of highschool - which had resulted in straight A's and most of my saturday nights spent with a book. I never had a problem with this, and Alli adapted to taking Jenna and KC on double dates instead of me. It was good. It was routine.

It was boring.

I took a deep breath. "Well, you're always saying I need to step out of my shell," I started. "And I think I'm...ready, Alli. To get back out there. It's summer, y'know? Last summer as a Degrassi high student." It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself of this, but Alli patiently nodded, waiting for what she truly wanted to know. "His name is Eli." A smile spread accross her lips, then, teeth showing as she beamed at me. "And he's..."

"Cute?" She suggested.

"Actually, I was going to say a smart ass," I replied. "But yeah, that too."

Alli narrowed her eyes at that. "Tell me everything."

I did, in fact, tell her everything.

I started from the moment our eyes met, (in all of it's sappy, over-dramatized glory) to the coffee incident, (I was hoping no one would ever bring this up again), to the moment which he requested a reward for safely returning my bag. He had seemed surprised in my bold acceptance of it, and in truth, so was I. At that moment in time, I had been prepared for anything. I'm not sure if what he had suggested was his original plan - or just something spur-of-the-moment he had thought up to make me squirm; either way, I had not faltered.

"A date," he had said simply, a smirk tugging at his lips again. I quirked an eyebrow.

"A date," I had repeated, Eli nodding once. "But why, though?" Ah, the question that I probably shouldn't have asked. Oh well. Insecure Clare couldn't be kept at bay forever.

Eli's mouth had gone slack at that, taking a moment to think. Finally, he decided on a few simple words. "Because you seem like someone worth getting to know."

I giggled. "You're cheesy."

"Ah, you like it though."

Maybe, I had thought, taking note of the intense butterflies in my stomach. "And what makes you so sure?" He shrugged.

"I just am."

"Oh, and you're smug," I commented, both of us laughing. "Anything else I should know before agreeing to let you...get to know me?" The atmosphere around us felt light - and suddenly, it was like my incident had never happened. It was like I had known him for more than five minutes - not a lifetime, but more than five minutes. Here I was, giggling like I hadn't in ages, with a boy I had never seen, nor spoken too. And yet, I felt flamboyant. Giddy, even. It was a little scary, but refreshing all the same.

"I drive a hearse," he threw out there. "It's name is Morty, and I'll be picking you up in him," Eli dead-panned.

"A hearse?" _Interesting._

He nodded. "A hearse."

Two seconds of silence passed. "Sounds good." And that, was simply that.

"Oh my god," Alli exclaimed, bringing me back to the present. "Oh my god, so, what. Is he like, Dr. Death? A bad boy?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively. "Oh my freaking god, Clare Edwards. You agreed to go on a date with a _bad boy_." A smile stretched from ear to ear on Alli's face, squeezing my hand tightly. Her obvious excitement for me made me slightly guilty; perhaps she had missed my company more then I thought?

I laughed. "He's not..._bad_...I don't think so, anyway. He just seemed different." I shrugged. "Interesting. But it's just a date."

Alli held a hand up. "Clare. If you met the guy on eHarmony, _then_ I would fully accept that statement. It's not _just_ a date."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

"Okay, lets look at the past year of completely ignoring any guys advances," she explained. "Now, lets compare that to the two minutes it took you to agree to go somewhere with someone you've never even met. He's got to have something all the others don't."

"A hearse?"

"Well, that," she sighed, exasperated. "But you know what I mean. It's something you can feel."

I scoffed, knowing full good and well what she was talking about. "Alli, I owed him."

"Um, no. You didn't. You know a 'thank you' would have sufficed for anyone else. You like him."

"I barely know him," I replied tiredly, rolling my eyes, trying to ignore Alli's rather vallid point. And then, she got that look. The one that made her seem beyond her years, the one that let me know Alli knew so much more then she ever let on.

"But you want to know him."

I bit my lip. "Yeah, I guess I really do."

"That's the universe's way of saying that maybe this is the start of something wonderful."

I sighed, eyeing a box full of pictures that barely peeked out from under my bed, my heart wringing. "If that's true...I really hope the universe knows what it's getting me into."

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><p>Who's ready for an Eclare date? Oh, well...I am.<p>

And I wonder what Clare's history with Jake is? Hm.

See you next chapter ;) Review?


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